Originally written October 2012
I was at what felt like the “peak of my life” in 2007-2008. Everything was going great, and I was loving life. Things were falling into place like I had never seen before. I was traveling frequently, going to the gym 5 days a week, dancing and living it up -feeling better than I ever did before. My body was so fit, energy-off the charts, and I was constantly challenging my endurance and bringing myself to higher levels of fitness.
I injured my ankle during a move in late 2008 which changed everything. I thought it was just an ordinary ankle sprain, which it wasn’t. I had torn ligaments as well. I decided to take it easy and let it heal. Each time it seemed to be healed or feeling better, I re-injured it. Year by year, I started losing who I am at heart. Things that were fun to me became a challenge and painful.
I have gone through periods of frustration, sadness and emptiness. You may be thinking – oh its just your ankle there are worse things out there, you still have your health right? Wrong. Since I stopped doing all the things I loved, I gained weight. This was a catch 22 for me. Now I have more pressure on my ankle having gained weight, but cannot lose the weight to take it off because I cannot exercise.
I recently began to look at things differently. It did not happen overnight but it was a long process to builder my inner strength. The time was not right before for me to take care of the surgery, and I do not regret going sooner. My mind and heart was not in the right place. I am not getting surgery just to alleviate the pain. It is so much bigger than that. My motto in this process is “I am taking my life back”
During my extensive training program through Coaching for Transformation, I not only studied to be a coach, but was coached myself. You cannot be in the mindset of helping others without looking at yourself first. My teachers and fellow peers became a second family for me. We had such deep support and love for one another, giving each other the strength, courage, and support to make it through our toughest times. In the class and through peer coaching, we built a bond of trust and shared our deepest secrets with one another free of judgment. I am so thankful to have this opportunity, I write this with tears of complete gratitude.
How often in your life have you walked into a room of strangers that show you nothing but love and open their hearts unconditionally?
Through my personal transformation, I took time to look at my aspects of my life. The biggest thing that gets in my way right now is my ankle. Many people may just say what took you so long, but it was more than just getting surgery. There was an emotional aspect of it as well.
I think often about a time in class I shared with my peers (specifically Cathy). I felt so deeply connected to her that day as I shared one of my deep personal secrets. We were practicing a specific technique of coaching through visualization. In this process I closed my eyes and let go of our standard ways of thinking and set myself free to experience the journey. I remember talking about how much I hated my legs right now and how they felt heavy on my body like tree trunks.This is a pretty deep statement can you imagine feeling this way? My whole body became heavy, I felt tears come down my cheeks uncontrollably as I described how I felt trapped in my body and helpless.
Let’s take a step back for a moment. I would like to share with you the drastic change in the perception I had in myself. I had always loved my legs, I got compliments all the time on them prior to this. I can recall one of my friends who used to tell me how he and his buddies would sit and talk about women and rank them… They had my legs listed on top. I was not insulted at all. I took it as a compliment and laughed. Suddenly this was becoming part of my past and no longer who I am. I had a hard time with that. Some may say that sounds superficial, but is it? It went way deeper than not getting those same compliments anymore, it began to change who I was. So I questioned myself Who am I ?
Now that you see where I am coming from … let’s go back to that day during coaching. I was seeing my legs as tree trunks planted into the ground and immobile. (Yes drastic, but that is how extreme it felt to me that I was no longer working out, dancing, hiking, walking freely, or enjoying life) As I continued to see my legs as tree trunks everything around the tree changed and suddenly I was in quick sand, sinking. I had no control over what was happening, and I was sinking slowly deeper and deeper.
Looking back, I would say the feeling of sinking into quicksand is feeling stuck and helpless.
I suddenly was re adapting my life to a stagnant and boring lifestyle. Initially I had no choice because of course it had to heal. Now looking back and looking at what is really going on, it was an excuse. You are absolutely correct, I could have had this surgery earlier and been back on my feet but for whatever reason, it didn’t feel like an option for me.
What ran through my mind was:
- Who will help me?
- What will my job say? Will I get fired?
- How long will I have to take off?
- How will I pay my bills?
- How long will I not be able to walk?
- What if they mess up the surgery?
- Physical therapy is very expensive, what if I can’t afford it?
- What if I am worse off than I started?
Knowing what I know now, although some of these are valid concerns, it is just fear. I have learned through my studies how the mind can change how we perceive things and create problems that are not really there. What I know now is it is time to get my life back. I want to follow my passions and set myself free to “LIVE THE LIFE I DESERVE!” Ironically, this slogan is on all of my papers, materials, and advertising for my business Empower Life Coach. I shared these wonderful secrets with my clients and watched people transform, but I didn’t take the time to remember myself in the process. This journey is what makes me who I am today and I am stronger because of it. You don’t appreciate what is just handed to you, but the discovery in the struggle is the gift to yourself.
Revisiting again that one special day I had that I shared in class with my peers. I remember when Cathy asked me, as I was sinking into the quicksand … what if you raised your hand up for a moment? As I sat there with my eyes closed sobbing as I saw myself sinking into the ground helplessly, I built the courage and strength to reach my hand slowly out of the quicksand. She asked what that meant to me, as the tears had stopped I said I am going to ask for help. I do not need to be in this alone. I started to feel that there are options, although I did not know yet what they were at the time.
What I have discovered is I did not need help from anyone else, I needed help from myself. I will no longer allow myself to sabotage my dreams. Over the past year I have met some amazing people in my life and learned of many people’s struggles and how they overcame them. I see the strength in others around me now in myself. It was there all along, I just did not know it.
Being an avid follower of Tony Robbins, I know this also has impacted my life. Attending the UPW event in March of 2012, has soared my life into placed I never dreamed imaginable. From the moment I stepped into the room, I felt energy like I never felt before. It exceeded the highest adrenaline rush you can ever imagine. I knew from the moment I walked across fire on the first night, life would never be the same. I watched transformation happen right in front of me and through me. I have to say I almost missed that night, and was reminded by my friend John how it changed his life. Seeing how hr bounced back from what most would say one of the most tragic stories I have heard I knew I could not pass up this opportunity. Often John’s kind words pushed me along, just when I did not think it was possible. I truly believe God sent him as my angel to watch over me at that time. He was “just a facebook acquaintance”, who has become what will probably be a lifelong friend. I have always believed everyone crosses your path for a reason.
We are all given opportunity to be whoever we want to be. Some have a deeper fight than others. Maybe some detours have come into my path, but I know now that this is the right time for me and I wouldn’t change a thing.
What do I think now, as I approach my surgery tomorrow morning? (October 2012)
- I am reclaiming my life back
- I can’t wait to start these new chapter of my life
- I am ready to live my life and follow my life purpose
- I am strong and empowered
- I have planned for this surgery and it will work out
- I am confident after this surgery, I will be stronger and healthier than ever before.
- I am fully prepared. Everything is planned. I am READY!
As an update to my original note I wrote in October 2012, it is great to reflect back at what I was feeling at that time and see how far I have come. A colleague recently reminded me of how powerful this note was. It feels so long ago, I forgot about this journey and struggle. I believe it is important to reconnect to the pain and struggle we are faced with to appreciate how far we have come and to encourage us to go even farther.
I would like to share with you where I am now both on an emotional and physical level. Emotionally I feel strong, fulfilled and living a life of purpose. I have overcome some obstacles, and I am thrilled to be moving forward in a positive direction. I appreciate the darkness now I have experienced as it reminds me how important our state of mind can affect our lives. I see absolutely that I could have started the healing process sooner, but the lesson I have walked away with you cannot put a price tag on. Life has taught me to be strong, believe, and that “It is ok” to not be “ok”.
Physically I still have difficult days so I have learned to pace my exercise while I build strength. Over the past few years while looking for alternatives to loose weight I starting looking into raw foods. I am not 100% raw yet, I find it hard in the cold weather, but I am healthy and have found this to be a wonderful substitute for igniting my energy. I feel alive, focused, and embrace life.
I ask you the same thing what have you learned from your struggle? We all have one, but what is important is the gift behind it.
Thank you to my fellow CFT graduated & leaders, My friends and all who have supported me through this incredible TRANSFORMATION. I feel right now I can truly say, My name is Amanda Scocozzo and I am a certified life coach specializing in PERSONAL EMPOWERMENT. I help people LIVE THE LIFE THEY DESERVE!
“Dedicated to my peers of CFT 2011 & my friend John R.& Marni”